I don’t even know where to begin to tell the story of how my life has become what i never wanted it to be. I’ve been hiding a big thing of my life and that is: how i’m doing on college. It cannot be worst than it is, it simply couldn’t or i would be kicked out of the uni. I’m 2 steps to be thrown like a piece of shit to the world, “hey asshole, you have not what it takes to be “somebody” in this world, be a mediocre piece of crap, you’re not worth it”. Exactly how am i going to respond to that? what am i even to this fucked up world? are there even people that have been through that? i wanna know about them! geez! it’s a fucked up thing…but don’t get me wrong here, i’m actually not a misfit person and i look completely normal and have friends and am considered a “good person”, this thing that i’m going through has really put me to land on the ground, i’m terrified of death as hell, i wanna live like it’s meant to, you know, to grow old and die when i feel like i’ve enjoyed life the way i did it, i wanna have confort, i’m hedonist. To fullfill my needs, the pleasures i want to have, money is needed. And now i’m into this thoughts and this fucked up feelings that at my 17 years old i never thought i would. Seriously, i don’t know when it all came down to this, it was a process, and i’ve never noticed it this big of deal before, i don’t know what was i thinking, seriously, i look back and i don’t know where was my mind, what did i think i was gonna be? always letting things for the future, not taking care of the homeworks, considering myself what? i don’t know if i took myself like a big deal by thinking i could work it all out whithout studying or caring, or if considered myself not able to study and be one of those people that are so happy with their lives cuz they have it all under control, and that’s right, people who have a plan are the happiest ones, the ones with the no idea thing are the saddest, i’ve never felt this way, i’m in college and everyone’s worried about not getting the A or the B!! I feel so stupid, being the one who has always had C’s, D’s, F’s… I feel depressed when i think of the money my mom has given for this, for my education, a thing not a lot of people have the chance to and i have wasted it so very much! It’s been 3 years… I started with a carreer that everyone was impressed, it was a tough one and i only lasted a year and a half, and now i have 2 semesters in a new carreer that i have failed 2 subjects! I’m in one of those situations where people actually get seriosuly depressed and might even kill themselves, yeah, there are people crazy, but i’m not that much, i’m worth it, the best and saddest part is that, i know i’m a something and i haven’t done anything about it. Now is that i want to really start the uni, now is that i’ve come to the conclusion, now! now is that i’m grown enough to go to the uni and be the best i can. And i feel like crap about it but i wanna do it right!! And i have to!… I have no chance now.
